PeteBeat !
Dying is easy ... Comedy's HardTuesday, April 19, 2005
FLYING DUTCHPERSON
Although I have never actually seen a ghost ship, I did see a ghost paddleboat once. Frankly, it was not that scary.
SEND IN THE CLONES
I thought having a clone would be great, but it has caused me nothing but grief! At first it was great not having to go to work, but then he started putting mousse in his hair and working out at a gym. Then he hooked up with Cathy from Accounting ... she never used to give me the time of day. Now I need a kidney transplant, and he's having second thoughts! If you ask me, clones are not worth the trouble.
LOVE LIFE LESSONS
Remember, with just a little creativity, any regular toy can become a sex toy. I'm partial to handpuppets, myself.
Although I have never actually seen a ghost ship, I did see a ghost paddleboat once. Frankly, it was not that scary.
SEND IN THE CLONES
I thought having a clone would be great, but it has caused me nothing but grief! At first it was great not having to go to work, but then he started putting mousse in his hair and working out at a gym. Then he hooked up with Cathy from Accounting ... she never used to give me the time of day. Now I need a kidney transplant, and he's having second thoughts! If you ask me, clones are not worth the trouble.
LOVE LIFE LESSONS
Remember, with just a little creativity, any regular toy can become a sex toy. I'm partial to handpuppets, myself.
Monday, April 18, 2005
PETEBEAT'S FIRST EVER MAILBAG
Jamie Drake from Minnesota writes:
Are the letters you print from your readers real?
Nope.
Pam Kirbo writes:
What about the letter from Jamie Drake of Minnesota? That letter's real, isn't it?
Nope.
Phil Phillips writes:
Your blog is stupid. Why don't you post links to other blogs?
Because PeteBeat is the only blog worth reading.
Phil Phillips writes again:
You're just ripping off the Onion!
No, actually both the Onion and I are ripping off old National Lampoons. The Onion has figured out a way to make money at it.
Dear Editor,
Microsoft Morse Code spell check does not find "dot dot dash dot, dot dot dash, dash dot dash dot,dash dot dash" in its dictionary. Would you like to add it as an entry?
Yes.
Dear Editor,
Oops! I did it again.
Sincerely,
Brittany Spears' unhousetrained Rottweiler.
Jamie Drake from Minnesota writes:
Are the letters you print from your readers real?
Nope.
Pam Kirbo writes:
What about the letter from Jamie Drake of Minnesota? That letter's real, isn't it?
Nope.
Phil Phillips writes:
Your blog is stupid. Why don't you post links to other blogs?
Because PeteBeat is the only blog worth reading.
Phil Phillips writes again:
You're just ripping off the Onion!
No, actually both the Onion and I are ripping off old National Lampoons. The Onion has figured out a way to make money at it.
Dear Editor,
Microsoft Morse Code spell check does not find "dot dot dash dot, dot dot dash, dash dot dash dot,dash dot dash" in its dictionary. Would you like to add it as an entry?
Yes.
Dear Editor,
Oops! I did it again.
Sincerely,
Brittany Spears' unhousetrained Rottweiler.
Friday, April 15, 2005
JUST ASKING
Which major Hollywood star is actually a giant marionette? Who was a happily married producer stuffing into car trunk on Tuesday night? And why was a rock star and his supermodel girlfriend moonlighting at a meat packing plant? It beats me.
A FINE WHINE
Mike Silver of DeForest, Wisconsin writes:
"Why don't you put any pictures in your blog? It's boring."
Well, Mike, I'm a writer. I prefer painting pictures with words. For example: "To call him ugly would have been an insult to all other ugly people, for the bile brewed from his hate had turned him into a shriveled, ghoulish husk." I call this picture "Mike Silver of DeForest, Wisconsin."
Tongue Twister
Try saying "Door handle" three times fast. Too easy? OK, try saying it 10,000 times. Not as easy as you thought, huh?
Which major Hollywood star is actually a giant marionette? Who was a happily married producer stuffing into car trunk on Tuesday night? And why was a rock star and his supermodel girlfriend moonlighting at a meat packing plant? It beats me.
A FINE WHINE
Mike Silver of DeForest, Wisconsin writes:
"Why don't you put any pictures in your blog? It's boring."
Well, Mike, I'm a writer. I prefer painting pictures with words. For example: "To call him ugly would have been an insult to all other ugly people, for the bile brewed from his hate had turned him into a shriveled, ghoulish husk." I call this picture "Mike Silver of DeForest, Wisconsin."
Tongue Twister
Try saying "Door handle" three times fast. Too easy? OK, try saying it 10,000 times. Not as easy as you thought, huh?
Thursday, April 14, 2005
BRAINS VS. BRAWN
This much-hyped battle was supposed to be a close match, but that certainly was not the case last night. While Brains paused to plan a strategic assault, Brawn hammered him three times in rapid succession. Reeling backward, Brains tried to offer a clever bon mot to confuse his opponent, but his words were so slurred they were incomprehensible. A final right hook by Brawn and the fight was over. Brains was on the floor.
AT THE NEWS STAND
Cosmopolitan has "10 Ways to Please Your Man". I won't give away number one, but here's a hint: it begins with "blow" and ends with "job." Curiously, the same list appears in both Men's Health and National Review.
MAKING THE SCENE
PeteBeat's spies made the rounds this week. Spy #1 reports: "At Appleby's I saw this girl that I'm pretty sure was in my Psych class last semester. Then at the Kangaroo I saw my high school gym teacher. He didn't recognize me, though." Spy #2 adds "I didn't really notice anybody. I was pretty wasted."
Pete is starting to think PeteBeat needs better spies.
This much-hyped battle was supposed to be a close match, but that certainly was not the case last night. While Brains paused to plan a strategic assault, Brawn hammered him three times in rapid succession. Reeling backward, Brains tried to offer a clever bon mot to confuse his opponent, but his words were so slurred they were incomprehensible. A final right hook by Brawn and the fight was over. Brains was on the floor.
AT THE NEWS STAND
Cosmopolitan has "10 Ways to Please Your Man". I won't give away number one, but here's a hint: it begins with "blow" and ends with "job." Curiously, the same list appears in both Men's Health and National Review.
MAKING THE SCENE
PeteBeat's spies made the rounds this week. Spy #1 reports: "At Appleby's I saw this girl that I'm pretty sure was in my Psych class last semester. Then at the Kangaroo I saw my high school gym teacher. He didn't recognize me, though." Spy #2 adds "I didn't really notice anybody. I was pretty wasted."
Pete is starting to think PeteBeat needs better spies.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
A LITTLE ADVENTURE
When I saw a leprechaun in the woods the other day, I knew exactly what to do. I snatched him up and shook him and told him to take me to his pot of gold. So I was pretty disappointed when he turned out to be a porcupine, not a leprechaun. Ouch!
(I bet you thought I was going to say "midget" instead of "porcupine", didn't you? You were almost right.)
QUOTABLE
"None of my clients wants to be in the 'quotable' section of a website that nobody reads. Please don't call here again."
- Publicist Sidney Gould
LIST OF FIVE
Most Popular Internal Organs:
1. Heart
2. Kidney
3. Spleen
4. Pancreas
5. Other kidney.
Also receiving votes: anything except liver. Yuck!
AAARGH!
I can't get the "Friends" theme out of my head! Maybe if I sing it:
I'll be there for youuuuuu
blah blah blah blah blah
I'll be there for youuuuuuu
blah blah blah blah blah
Dang! "Friends" is gone, but now it's "Pachelbel's Canon in D." I hate it when this happens.
When I saw a leprechaun in the woods the other day, I knew exactly what to do. I snatched him up and shook him and told him to take me to his pot of gold. So I was pretty disappointed when he turned out to be a porcupine, not a leprechaun. Ouch!
(I bet you thought I was going to say "midget" instead of "porcupine", didn't you? You were almost right.)
QUOTABLE
"None of my clients wants to be in the 'quotable' section of a website that nobody reads. Please don't call here again."
- Publicist Sidney Gould
LIST OF FIVE
Most Popular Internal Organs:
1. Heart
2. Kidney
3. Spleen
4. Pancreas
5. Other kidney.
Also receiving votes: anything except liver. Yuck!
AAARGH!
I can't get the "Friends" theme out of my head! Maybe if I sing it:
I'll be there for youuuuuu
blah blah blah blah blah
I'll be there for youuuuuuu
blah blah blah blah blah
Dang! "Friends" is gone, but now it's "Pachelbel's Canon in D." I hate it when this happens.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
POLITICAL HUMOR
Everyone remembers Ronald Reagan's zinger to his wife after being shot by John Hinckley: "Honey, I forgot to duck!" But do you know who said it first? Sam Meltzer, one of the seven students gunned down in the Kent St. Massacre. "Smartass Sam", as he was known to his friends, died from his wounds; which proves the old adage
COMEDY = TRAGEDY - AGONIZING DEATH
DID YOU KNOW?
According to the Gallup Polling Service, 9 out of 10 Gallup pollsters hate their jobs.
DOING TIME
The United Way's "Charity Lockup", where local celebrities are arrested until contributors put up bail money which goes to many worthy causes, is the organization's most popular fundraiser. Not with my readers, apparently. Imagine my embarassment when no one bailed me out! Then, through a bureaucratic mixup, I was sent to a maximum security prison. It was a pretty rough three weeks. Fortunately, I've managed to black most of it out.
Everyone remembers Ronald Reagan's zinger to his wife after being shot by John Hinckley: "Honey, I forgot to duck!" But do you know who said it first? Sam Meltzer, one of the seven students gunned down in the Kent St. Massacre. "Smartass Sam", as he was known to his friends, died from his wounds; which proves the old adage
COMEDY = TRAGEDY - AGONIZING DEATH
DID YOU KNOW?
According to the Gallup Polling Service, 9 out of 10 Gallup pollsters hate their jobs.
DOING TIME
The United Way's "Charity Lockup", where local celebrities are arrested until contributors put up bail money which goes to many worthy causes, is the organization's most popular fundraiser. Not with my readers, apparently. Imagine my embarassment when no one bailed me out! Then, through a bureaucratic mixup, I was sent to a maximum security prison. It was a pretty rough three weeks. Fortunately, I've managed to black most of it out.
Monday, April 11, 2005
NEW EATS
Crazy Pie on Clayton St. is not exactly your standard pizzeria. They have a list of 714 toppings! Besides the standards of pepperoni and sausage they offer such exotic offerings as sea lamprey and manatee. Some interesting suggested combinations: The All-Day, a delicious blend of peanut butter and Gummi bears; The Pooh, with honey and bear meat; and my favorite, The Merchant of Venice - a whole pound of flesh!
WHO AM I?
Give yourself 10 points for a correct guess after the first clue, 5 points after the second, and 1 after the third:
1. I was born Neil Kennan in Muncie, Indiana in 1963.
2. I attended Northwestern University, where I studied drama. In a bit of forehadowing, my first role was as Willie Loman in Death of a Salesman.
3. While I remain active in community theatre, I am best known for my 2002 Indiana - Northern Region Auto Salesperson of the Year award. Who am I?
Answer: I am Neil Kennan, Toyota salesman.
A HEARTWARMING "TAIL"
Sam Potter writes:
IS IT JUST ME?
Thometimeth, for no reathon, I write with a lithp.
Crazy Pie on Clayton St. is not exactly your standard pizzeria. They have a list of 714 toppings! Besides the standards of pepperoni and sausage they offer such exotic offerings as sea lamprey and manatee. Some interesting suggested combinations: The All-Day, a delicious blend of peanut butter and Gummi bears; The Pooh, with honey and bear meat; and my favorite, The Merchant of Venice - a whole pound of flesh!
WHO AM I?
Give yourself 10 points for a correct guess after the first clue, 5 points after the second, and 1 after the third:
1. I was born Neil Kennan in Muncie, Indiana in 1963.
2. I attended Northwestern University, where I studied drama. In a bit of forehadowing, my first role was as Willie Loman in Death of a Salesman.
3. While I remain active in community theatre, I am best known for my 2002 Indiana - Northern Region Auto Salesperson of the Year award. Who am I?
Answer: I am Neil Kennan, Toyota salesman.
A HEARTWARMING "TAIL"
Sam Potter writes:
I had just acquired my new dog Blue from the animal shelter and was taking him on his first walk downtown. "What I cute dog!" I looked up and saw an old girlfriend of mine. She kneeled down and scratched behind his ears, which Blue seemed to enjoy. We chatted for a bit and caught up and agreed to meet later for drinks. Afterwards, we went back to my place and had sex. It warmed my heart to get some tail.
IS IT JUST ME?
Thometimeth, for no reathon, I write with a lithp.
Friday, April 08, 2005
PRESIDENTIAL TRIVIA
Match the U.S. President on the left with his nickname on the right.
KIDS SAY THE DARNEDEST THINGS
Jeremy Ayers submits this amusing tale:
COPY CAT LITTER
The success of Alien vs. Predator at the box office has studios scrambling to come up with their own Something vs. Somethings. A partial list includes Batman vs. Superman; Jesus vs. the Devil; Harry Potter vs. Sabrina, the Teen-Age Witch; Ewoks vs. Hobbits; Hannibal Lecter vs. The Butler from "Remains of the Day" (Anthony Hopkins plays both parts); and Pete vs. The Man Trying to Keep a Brother Down.
KOALA ME KRAZY!
Zoologist Steve Winsler has shocked the scientific community with his theory that the seemingly adorable, vegetarian Koala bears are actually dangerous carnivores! His diary, which will be published in the respected comic book Nature later this year, includes his fascinating final entry:
SPOTTED AROUND TOWN:
That guy from the local cable commercials ... my brother-in-law ... a Kenny Rogers lookalike.
Match the U.S. President on the left with his nickname on the right.
1. Abraham Lincoln 2. Franklin Delano Roosevelt 3. John F. Kennedy 4. Gerald Ford | A. "Honest Abe" B. "FDR" C. "JFK" D. "Gerald Ford" |
KIDS SAY THE DARNEDEST THINGS
Jeremy Ayers submits this amusing tale:
I was babysitting my nephew while my sister was out running errands when I heard a noise from the kitchen. When I walked in to investigate, there was little Bill caught, literally, with his hand in the cookie jar.Kids say the darnedest things !
"Bill!" I exclaimed, "you'll ruin your supper."
With a mischievous smile he replied "Keep quiet about this, old man, unless you want to wake up with a knife in your eye!"
COPY CAT LITTER
The success of Alien vs. Predator at the box office has studios scrambling to come up with their own Something vs. Somethings. A partial list includes Batman vs. Superman; Jesus vs. the Devil; Harry Potter vs. Sabrina, the Teen-Age Witch; Ewoks vs. Hobbits; Hannibal Lecter vs. The Butler from "Remains of the Day" (Anthony Hopkins plays both parts); and Pete vs. The Man Trying to Keep a Brother Down.
KOALA ME KRAZY!
Zoologist Steve Winsler has shocked the scientific community with his theory that the seemingly adorable, vegetarian Koala bears are actually dangerous carnivores! His diary, which will be published in the respected comic book Nature later this year, includes his fascinating final entry:
"They are almost through the lock now, and their thirst for human flesh is unslakeable. To whomever finds this journal among my scattered, picked clean bones, I beg of you: Avenge me! Avenge me!"
SPOTTED AROUND TOWN:
That guy from the local cable commercials ... my brother-in-law ... a Kenny Rogers lookalike.
Thursday, April 07, 2005
I LOVE THE RED WHITE AND BLUE
Especially when it's a bikini. On a humongous rack.
POETIC JUSTICE
Margaret Reed writes:
HOT STUFF!
To protest the switchover in his company cafeteria from Coke machines to Pepsi machines, lifelong Coke drinker Daniel Brody chained himself to the Coke machine, then set himself on fire! To commemorate this young man's powerful statement, the new machine will be called the Daniel Brody Memorial Pepsi Machine.
NO PLACE LIKE HOME
A reader writes:
Thanks for sharing!
SEEING STARS
I had quite a time at the post-Oscar parties. Which Hollywood star put me in a choke hold until I passed out and then stole my pants with my wallet in it? If you guessed Brad Pitt, you might be right. I have no clue, myself.
Especially when it's a bikini. On a humongous rack.
POETIC JUSTICE
Margaret Reed writes:
Dear Pete,Thanks,Margaret! Unfortunately, Petebeat doesn't post poems. You might want to try a poetry blog, but frankly, I don't think you'd find one that would print it. Your daughter is not very good.
My 8-year-old daughter loves your blog, and the other day she wrote this poem about you that I thought you and your readers might enjoy.
HOT STUFF!
To protest the switchover in his company cafeteria from Coke machines to Pepsi machines, lifelong Coke drinker Daniel Brody chained himself to the Coke machine, then set himself on fire! To commemorate this young man's powerful statement, the new machine will be called the Daniel Brody Memorial Pepsi Machine.
NO PLACE LIKE HOME
A reader writes:
"Yesterday I went in to my mind-numbing clerical job where for eight hours I "processed" forms and listened to my co-worker talk about her cat, just like she does every day. I went home to my crappy efficiency apartment, ate a TV dinner, and watched CSI:Miami. Finally, as I was crawling into bed, I said out loud "Is this it? Is this the rest of my life?" That's when I woke up. It was all a dream! I was back to my normal self: a playboy movie star racecar driver. I was so relieved I bought six grams of coke and had sex with three strippers at the same time."
Thanks for sharing!
SEEING STARS
I had quite a time at the post-Oscar parties. Which Hollywood star put me in a choke hold until I passed out and then stole my pants with my wallet in it? If you guessed Brad Pitt, you might be right. I have no clue, myself.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
OVERHEARD ON THE SUBWAY:
"My friend, the contents of this briefcase shall rid the world of the Great Satan once and for all, Allah be praised."
Yikes!
WHO YOU GONNA' CALL?
"I ain't 'fraid of no ghosts," writes Ray Parker, Jr., "but retards kind of creep me out."
KIDS' CORNER
Hey kids! Learn more about your parents. Ask them if they're "swingers". If they are, drop me an email at pete@petebeat.com.
ON THE TOWN
PeteBeat's spies were taking notes at the party at my house this weekend. "It was totally lame," one of them reported, "BYOB and no chicks." Maybe you're the one that's lame, spy, did you ever think about that ?
LIST OF 5
Inappropriate Songs for a Funeral:
1. Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye
2. Hey Ya! - Outkast
3. Bad Leroy Brown - Jim Croce
4. Crocodile Rock - Elton John
5. Anything by the Chipmunks.
"My friend, the contents of this briefcase shall rid the world of the Great Satan once and for all, Allah be praised."
Yikes!
WHO YOU GONNA' CALL?
"I ain't 'fraid of no ghosts," writes Ray Parker, Jr., "but retards kind of creep me out."
KIDS' CORNER
Hey kids! Learn more about your parents. Ask them if they're "swingers". If they are, drop me an email at pete@petebeat.com.
ON THE TOWN
PeteBeat's spies were taking notes at the party at my house this weekend. "It was totally lame," one of them reported, "BYOB and no chicks." Maybe you're the one that's lame, spy, did you ever think about that ?
LIST OF 5
Inappropriate Songs for a Funeral:
1. Sexual Healing - Marvin Gaye
2. Hey Ya! - Outkast
3. Bad Leroy Brown - Jim Croce
4. Crocodile Rock - Elton John
5. Anything by the Chipmunks.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
THE READERS WRITE IN
Cassandra Vixen writes to ask:
"Do you like hot teen anal action, Pete? Check out my website for HOT XXX pics, movies, and more!"
Thanks, Cassandra! Maybe I will!
DIVINE LAUGHTER
The second leading cause of accidental death is falls. Falls are hilarious! Especially when it's fat people. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?
GOOD KNIGHT,SWEET PRINCE
We place our jester's caps over our hearts to mourn the death of Jerry Tillman, better known as "Medieval Knievel", in his attempt to jump twelve school buses while dressed in full armor on horseback. He is survived by his horse Trusty, who wisely at the last minute chose not to attempt the dangerous stunt.
KITTEN NEEDS HOME
Kitten, a 243 pound cross-dressing homeless man, needs a home. He cannot stay at the shelter anymore because he burned it down. Won't you give Kitten a home ?
Cassandra Vixen writes to ask:
"Do you like hot teen anal action, Pete? Check out my website for HOT XXX pics, movies, and more!"
Thanks, Cassandra! Maybe I will!
DIVINE LAUGHTER
The second leading cause of accidental death is falls. Falls are hilarious! Especially when it's fat people. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?
GOOD KNIGHT,SWEET PRINCE
We place our jester's caps over our hearts to mourn the death of Jerry Tillman, better known as "Medieval Knievel", in his attempt to jump twelve school buses while dressed in full armor on horseback. He is survived by his horse Trusty, who wisely at the last minute chose not to attempt the dangerous stunt.
KITTEN NEEDS HOME
Kitten, a 243 pound cross-dressing homeless man, needs a home. He cannot stay at the shelter anymore because he burned it down. Won't you give Kitten a home ?
Monday, April 04, 2005
Yesterday I wrote a novel in alphabet soup, but by the time I finished, it was lunch, so I edited it down to a short story.
If I were ever a Playboy centerfold, my turn-offs would definitely include banjo players.
I went to a party of co-workers this weekend. I guess you could say I had a good time, if by "time" you mean "for what seemed like eons". And by "good" you mean "an overwhelming desire to slit my own throat."
If I were ever a Playboy centerfold, my turn-offs would definitely include banjo players.
I went to a party of co-workers this weekend. I guess you could say I had a good time, if by "time" you mean "for what seemed like eons". And by "good" you mean "an overwhelming desire to slit my own throat."
Archives
09/01/2004 - 09/30/2004 10/01/2004 - 10/31/2004 04/01/2005 - 04/30/2005
